Growing up without fireworks and close cousins during festive seasons like Chinese New Year was certainly very different. The most ‘exciting’ activity back in my hometown, Malacca every year would be the stroll down Jonker Street Night Market on Friday and Saturday nights for food and little accessories. Even then, we had stopped the tradition of spending a few nights over since the passing of my grandparents about 5 to 6 years back.

So there really aren’t many things to look forward to during CNY besides ang pao(s), which is becoming something I love and hate. Maybe it’s tradition you’d say, but to a certain extend it does feel somewhat awkward receiving packets of dollar notes from people whom you rarely speak to or associate with other than during CNY. Am I alone on this? I’d love to know from the giver’s perspective.

Anyway don’t get me wrong, I still love ang pao(s). It just feels like something out of obligation sometimes but  keep ‘em coming.

My sisters would so often tell stories about how they used to sneak out to the top of my grandparent’s home with cousins to light fireworks while they were younger. Seemed really fun. I wonder how those experiences were like.

We live under the same roof but because of different individual responsibilities and work commitments, we rarely get together for dinners. Sometimes it would just be my dad and I on a very simple home-cooked meal. I’ve always love this season in a very strange way. Many awkward moments and conversations visiting long distance relatives but they really ‘force’ people to spend time.

Whether it’s cleaning the house, preparing cookies/meals, aunties comparing children’s jobs/heights, catching up with ones whom we label ‘cousins’ but never really talked to throughout the year, enduring the 4 hour sunny ride home or simply just sitting down on a random CNY television series together, we all have our CNY moments.

Some leave and will eventually become history. Some will be added into the frame as little ones over the course of time. Under any circumstances we need to remember, that blood will always be thicker than water.

Happy Chinese New Year. Where ever you are, be safe.

Ahh, my liquid paper?
No. Bag pack?
Umm, did I forget to stock up on note pads?

Wait, maybe it doesn’t really matter.

…

It’s just that unreasoning feeling of complete unreadiness and not knowing what to anticipate entering a place I didn’t even know or heard of 2 weeks ago. Almost like my first day when I entered Seafield 5 years ago.

Neither can I explain why. I surprised myself too.
But I believe with all my heart that it was the better choice.

So many things will be commencing in the next few weeks. I didn’t even plan for what was coming ahead. Somehow or another, things were picking up and moving at it’s own pace. I’m really excited, pumped up and nervous all together.

You know, that butterfly feeling we all once had on the night before a big day.

Be on the lookout for the new FMS student in town. Female’s Most Sexy student.

Kidding.
Foundation in Media Studies.

Something inside me broke into pieces today the first time ever that I saw your teary eyes. Truth be told, there aren’t many people in my life whom I can truly say, “Okay, just hear me out, please?”. You are one of the few, who came and never really went away even with the transitions in life. Always been there with the wisest words for me. Surely, Better and Greater things are awaiting you on the other side. I can’t believe how desperate I sound uttering these words but it’s really so hard to let go of a friendship so special.
I will miss you so dearly, buzz. =)

One by one stretching forth their wings on high, setting off on life’s adventures. I hate goodbyes and honestly, I have never come to handle them well. I guess sometimes they’re necessary to move on to new pastures.
I’ll keep that in mind this year.

Learning to say goodbye.

“To the next page.
A completely blank page for me.”

Last year I closed with those words. Little did I know that every word would come to pass. 2011 was the year my GPS ran out of battery and literally died.

What a difference a year makes. Every year is about something new.

2010 marked the end of high school ushering in new challenges for the year 2011. For me, challenges weren’t similar to the ones friends of my age were facing. I unintentionally took a break, a Gap Year. Not something your typical Asian parents would encourage to do but every road led to a dead-end street for me. What better way to tell me that I wasn’t ready for what was to come than having to endure chickenpox for the entire month of January?
I thank God for it now.

I’m smiling at the thought of how I was so close to deciding my destiny and fate last year; how I could have been pursuing a 5 to 6 year course in a university in Kedah to how I so eagerly considered jetting off to Russia with only a crazy short period of notice (5 months?). What was I thinking? What was I thinking when I finally held the offer letter in my hands?

I could have went all out for it as I knew it was the few options my old man could afford but somehow or other, there was this tugging at my heart. I really wasn’t ready for the mad world. God knew I wasn’t. There was more needed to be done before anything.

It wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows waking up in the morning (sometimes in the afternoon heh) not really knowing what to expect for the day. While most of my acquaintances would die to have my carefree life, it was fun only to a certain extent, for the first quarter of the year.

There were days, rainy grey days, when I’d just sleep in till dinner. There were the OCD days when I’d clean and tidy my room till not a strand of hair could be seen on the floor. There were the productive days when I’d sit down with a good book and munch on apples. There were the working days, music days, cooking days, jogging days, solitary days… Whatever it was, time flew by too quickly to pause.

God took me by the hand on a detour trip and worked his way in the backstage.
Here’s a quick rundown (ones I could recall for now) of the trip of a lifetime.

1. I was blessed with a fairly good pay job (considering my qualifications) early in March. While holding the position of a credit control analyst, I picked up a lot on customer handling skills. Really something I didn’t expect to do so soon.

2. I went for my first LIVE concert ever; Switchfoot! And just when I thought it was enough, I managed to meet David Choi in person and witness the Korean twins LIVE!

3. God shocked me with the unexpected when SPM results came out in March. Mine was inadequate for any scholarship programs. Yet, I’m grateful today because I’ve done so much more. Jeremiah 29:11.

4. Was given the opportunity to serve in the worship team this year.

5. I spent a good 3 months in the National Service training camp where I met people of various backgrounds. There, I was taught to appreciate home so much more and everything that I have including emotional support from love ones. Wasn’t easy but it was fun while it lasted.

6. I picked up an instrument and I’m more than happy to be able to bless strangers with my multi-untalented attempt in music. The part of me I never knew.

7. In mid October, I was able to volunteer on board the Logos Hope Ship for two weeks for their D.E.E.P. Program (Discipleship – Exposure to Missions – Expression of Love – Practical Work) while they were in Port Klang. Though it was a very short period, I was really inspired. Being with crews from over 45 nationalities on the Logos Hope and each with a story of their journey to tell really, really encouraged me. I mean, where else on earth do you see such a wide range of diverse nationalities living together like a big family? These are people who left their jobs, families and friends to travel across the globe sharing the Good News, spreading the love and promoting education in children and adults. The unique experience really opened the eyes of my heart. I know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, the ship ministry will always hold a special memory in my heart.

8. Never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be able to travel (at 18) to the land of Australia with my family and take in the breathtaking sight of The Twelve Apostles along the Great Ocean Road. Truly a blessing from God, through Air Asia. =P

9. Left a few things behind which was weighing me down so that I could run after things that really matter now.

10. Was prompted to start making a list of things I want in a life partner. Funny as it may sound to some of you, it’s not really ‘too early’ for it. I could say I was pretty greatly exposed in ways last year. A few wrong turns and silly mistakes but hey, what’s a year without some messed up moves? I’ll probably share that with you someday in the near future haha but one thing’s for certain, a man after God’s own heart.

Random Expected and Unexpected Moments of 2011.

To end with, I did a cover of a song on dreams, heartaches, failures, disappointments and What Faith Can Do. Basically a summary of thoughts I had in mind to conclude the year. Please pardon my pitchy singing hehehe I hope you’re blessed by the song lyrics as much as I was. =)

WordPress sent me a cute annual report of my blog last Sunday. Something I’ve always loved about them.

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,700 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

In 2011, there were 28 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 103 posts. There were 396 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 325mb. That’s about a picture per day.
-Annual Report from WordPress.com

In 2010, I wrote over 70++ new posts.
70 down to 28. That makes a pretty huge contrast but because 2011 was a journey so personal and close to my heart, some things were really just meant for God. I may not be where I wanna be but I’m not where I used to be and certainly not where I deserve to be. You, being a regular visitor to this dusty page itself play a role. Thanks for keeping up with me thus far.

I like how Phil from Wong Fu says it, “I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, I make End of the Year Conclusions.”

Blessed 2012!
Where are you going?

This week has been so much about having faith and recognising God’s favor. God’s favor isn’t necessarily gonna grant you convenience, that I learnt this week. Be careful what you pray for. If you’re praying for favor with God, chances are, your life might just be made more challenging. That’s because He trust you that much that He can give you trouble and you’ll still stay faithful to Him in it.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with the typical Asian parents mentality or whatsoever but my parents can be the hardest people to work with sometimes. While it may seem obvious enough to question this thought, I still do sometimes; do parents really know best? Do they?

Every time I’m faced with a situation where I’m bogged down by people who just won’t allow me to do anything, I’m reminded of the time how those responses I got eventually brought me on board the Logos Hope ship last October. It was truly, and purely God’s divine intervention.

I choose to believe that the same God who intervened to bring His Son back to life and the same God who intervened to bring me on board the ship amidst all impediments, will intervene on this very day in history to help me.

That little spot in the corner, who would have thought that it was meant for me?

Have a little faith, Fel.
Have a little faith, you.

Perhaps it’s because we’re living in Malaysia, that we don’t really appreciate and know much about celebrations like this.

I somehow always find myself scrolling back to Wong Fu Productions’s old works to dig for inspiration. These guys produce truly amazing low-budget videos in which I have always admire. This is just one of the many wonderful and meaningful videos that are so close to our hearts, that Phil so effectively portray. They really need more subscribers. They deserve it.

I realised today, that I’ve never really acknowledge this before but just so you know, I do read all the comments that are left here. There may not be many but too many times I can’t comprehend the blessing of having the support and encouragement from people who somehow feel connected through my experience and writing. My warm words go a long way. Thank you. Thank You.
Happy Thanksgiving, folks. =)

I really had a lot of things in which I wanted to blog about a few nights back but I literally sat there on my bed and allowed the thoughts to go by like a paper in the wind and I realised just why I allowed it to happen. It’s really tough to resume something after being away from it for a while. My Australia trip can wait. I’ll do it but I dare not promise.

Today’s service was good. Like really good despite our damaged and dysfunctional air-cond. We sang this new song (not sure if it’s new but it was to me) called Malaysia Bagi KemuliaanMu and it was so refreshing. All in together with the guest speaker touching on the significant power of the Gospel and how we should never be too complacent at any point of our lives. I really liked the way he could relate his experiences to both the young and the old in the congregation.

We were later on on our way home from church when we stopped by the row of shophouses near our area to grab a set of our Sunday article. Just as soon as I hopped back onto my seat, I saw a man exiting the same shop casually throwing his piece of paper/tissue/trash into the drain as he walked down the steps. Now, I’m not trying to point fingers at anyone because I’m sure we’ve all done that before at least once. We’re humans, and we’re never perfect.

I pointed out his actions to my dad who was by then already flipping through the first few pages of the article checking on the headlines. The conversation went something like this:

“My goodness di, look at that fellow! He literally threw his trash into the drain! I feel like going right up and confront him with his actions!!”

“You do that and he’ll probably tell you off before giving you a spanking.”

(and then the argument started, right there in the car)

“You see… That’s the problem with you, you’re always having that kind of mindset. The world will forever remain this way with people like you around!”

I couldn’t recall why or how but the argument somehow managed to trigger my tear glands. It was as if reality plunged a knife right through my chest.

“But that’s the fact and reality of life.”

It was one of the most heart-rending scenarios; for a teenage child to have received such a penetrating response from her father. More like disappointing. Before you proceed on to classify this as another typical ranting or emo post, allow me to say that this is a heartfelt entry written out of anger and love.

The words echoed in the back of my mind even after it had reached its final full-stop. Perhaps it’s true, the fact and reality of life.

I was emotionally shattered.
Is it really that tough to do the right thing?

My mom, despite being a busy woman, is very much of a kitchen person. She enjoys baking and trying out new tastes but we’ve always had simple and mundane menus since young. We don’t always get to see new recipes served on the dining table and I’ve grown to realise why. It’s because my dad never really takes pleasure in any of mom’s effort of trying new things. Got to be truthful to say that mom’s attempts doesn’t always turn out well but whenever it does, I always find my dad blinding over the dishes to reach for his ‘routine food’. I pity mom sometimes.

I often challenge my dad, “Di, do you realise, that you’re always pouring cold water? And that your comments are so often bringing people down? And that you are so full of negativity to the extend that sometimes I just prefer to keep things to myself? Sometimes all it takes is a simple word of encouragement to bring out the best in that person, dad. When will you learn to speak words of love and life? When will you change?”

I can’t lie, my dad has been making countless efforts to change over the past few years. I can gladly testify. Like how he used to hate specific types of food but now he’d buy them almost everyday and how he is slowly learning to compliment people (insincerely cute sometimes).

I would constantly remind him, “It’s never too late to change, dad. Never too late to try the things you’ve been missing out for decades…”

But everytime I utter those sharp words, I know deep down in my heart that changes are not easy as people grow old. That’s because they were raised in that manner and to change is to start over.

That’s why I am so, very, proud of my father for that matter.

Have you ever heard of the starfish story?

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son, the man said, don’t you realise there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf.

Then, smiling at the man, he said, “I made a difference for that one.”

I’m pretty sure the few people who occasionally still pop by this dusty page are mostly young people. It doesn’t matter, at the end of the day if there’s just one person out there who is inspired to make a difference, then I’ve succeeded.

The next time you wind down your car window thinking of a place to dispose your tissue, think about that one starfish.

Don’t wait on the world to change.

Q: Are you guys a straight A student? Or above average, average, below average?

A: We weren’t really straight A students but we’ve experience both extremes of being at the top of the grade and at the very bottom. At the end of the day, there are always going to be people smarter and more intelligent than you but the question is, what it your definition of success? Whatever it is, go for it.
-Jayesslee on Formspring

I had teary eyes at the end of the video. Not because of how well they could harmonise or how good a guitarist Sonia is. In fact, truth be told, I kinda miss how they used to record their videos live without audio dubbing. I guess it’s the thoughts and intentions of their hearts in doing what they love to do. It’s such an inspiration to see how they are indirectly spreading the Love across nations.

I am yet to get a picture WITH them. ROARR!!

Great. Now my page looks perfectly refine with two gorgeous Korean twins as my header. I need not update for the next 3 months.

Just kidding, I’ll be back in a second.

Keep looking, and don’t settle.
-Steve Jobs

I wasn’t gonna do this. I had no intention of allocating time for this but I changed my mind after having to listen and watch so much about Steve Jobs throughout my entire day. The news is big, of course it is. I don’t know about you but I usually keep myself updated with the latest global news via Twitter. All it takes is a few retweets and hashtaging on a topic and the news spreads like wild fire.

Unfortunately for me, I actually made a vow to abstain from Twitter for 30 days (still ongoing) so I got to know about Job’s death in an alternate way. I woke up this morning with a notification of David Choi (the app on my iPod) uploading a new video on his YouTube account. Thinking it might be a new cover, I quickly tapped on the thumbnail. 3 seconds into the video and David announced the most surreal news,

“So as everybody already know, Steve Jobs passed away…”

|<<

“So as everybody already know, Steve Jobs…”

|<< again to see the title.

Are you serious? Right then my eyes were already wide open and I was instantly awoken from my usual morning blurness. So then my day went on pretty normal, read a few articles from the Internet, took a green apple from the refrigerator to munch, replied some e-mails, stitched buttons back to my black cardigan, cooked dinner, came back online, went on Facebook and then YouTube again until I stumbled upon a video under the category of “Favourited by davidchoimusic”.

It’s a clip of Steve Jobs sharing 3 stories from his life during Stanford’s 114th Commencement on June 12, 2005. Just so you know, it’s a pretty long video but I found myself surprisingly staying through the entire 15 minutes.

What really caught my ear was what he said at 5:07 to 5:18, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something…”

You have to trust in God.

It’s funny how much our lives revolve around Apple today. How I first got to know about his departure this morning through my iPod to how I’m posting this very entry using my sister’s MacBook. I’m not trying to brag about what I own but there’s something about Apple that alters the way I feel about other devices ever since I was introduced to it. I always thought that with all the crazy amazing inventions Apple came out with every time, they would one day dominate the world.

But just like the late Michael Jackson, God has the power over any situation. He snaps His fingers and everything happens according to his plan.

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs.

My mom just dropped by from a nearby petrol station to pass me a box of Rocky (never gets old) and a bar of KitKat for no apparent reason. I find it kinda funny (and somewhat awkward) to receive something so random yet nice from her in the middle of the day. Not that my mum never buys me anything, this one in particular wasn’t her regular way of rewarding her almost-obese daughter. Wait, ‘rewarding’? What was it for again? Sometimes random act of kindness (though simple) we do, puts a smile back on people’s face. Thanks, mom.

I’ve not neglected WordPress. That’s the truth. It’s just that my attention is being redistributed to many other places like Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and my book journal. Mainly my book journal. You’ll rarely see me on the Internet these days because apparently there is no Wi-Fi coverage within my room ever since my modem-router has been moved to the back portion of my house after the renovation. I think it has got something to do with the optimum diameter circle of coverage for every typical household. Besides, something went wrong with my iPod Touch and to add-on to that, my cell phone is once again out of credit.
Sounds like NS, round 2. Hah!

In fact, reading and writing have been keeping me busy at home most of the time. I think I mentioned before somewhere about keeping a book journal. I pen things which are more personal and deep there. While it may seem childishly funny to have one in this era, a personal handwritten journal actually keeps my mind running. I like how it appears as a reminder in many ways. We get too caught up in life’s everyday hustle that we forget the importance of self-reflection and the mind conversations we all have but never really bothered to freeze them down somewhere.

It’s something everyone would love to do if they had the extra free time – kinda like a mind exercise where once you stop, it’s gonna take a whole lot of determination to start again. It’d be cool to be reading what was going on in a high-school leaver’s life 5 to 10 years down the line. Although many would seem like small irrelevant matters by then but I think it’s good, to keep a copy of your journey. To date, I’m still trying to make it a point to fill in at least once or twice a week.

Hooyeah, staying at home has its own perks and hurts too.

Anyway, my additional wardrobe will be arriving tomorrow and I’m guessing that I’ll be spending Malaysia Day clearing and packing my things in my room. That has been on my to-do list for a very, very long time by the way. So, good!

I wanna do something crazy this month. Or take something familiar to a new level. Not sure what I’m talking about. It seems like that sudden gush of enthusiasm was driven by an unknown source of motivation and er… yea let’s see what happens.

For now, here’s a picture to prove my obeseness.

Specifically reserved the last stick for a picture, teehee!

Peace out.